First time blabbering on this shit using my stupid fuckin blackberry.

Gongshow of a weekend, holy moly. I felt like dante being led through the different layers of hell.

I seem to be shifting my sleep patterns back to a semi-decent normal time. Unfortunately, I still can't sleep much more than an hour or two at a time before waking up and tossing and turning. So that is kinda bogus I suppose.

Listening to a lot of Rival Schools, can't wait for the new record. Wally's still got it.

Still trying to figure life out. I'm less day to day and more hour to hour, minute to minute, second to second. I'm sure I've made things tense around my house, and I did some amateur diy drywall remodeling that was dumb of me but hey, its been the first time in weeks that thinking about everything hasn't left me sad, but just angry or indifferent.

Glad I have friends like jasdave and tuggy around, I don't know hat I would do without those two being there for me to the bitter end.

I love my cat, its like she could tell I was sad and just hopped right on top of me at my lowest point the other day.

No real plans for this week other than buying a whole wackload of expensive shit ha ha. Baller.

THIS WEEKEND WAS

in a very somber mood, today has been really long.

my grandma died today. she was very old and she lived a long life. she was surrounded by her family. her last words were "can i go"? she survived longer than they expected, and she felt like she was being a burden to her family being alive. i didn't get a chance to say goodbye. i didn't know what to say.

went and saw still fighting / stillbirth / lsds at the albert. it was a great show and the best i've seen still fighting play. still though, i feel so weird lately that i kinda had to keep myself there just to prove to myself that i could.

i've burnt alot of bridges for dumb reasons the past year, i've made alot of mistakes. i don't know if i can live that way anymore. i think tomorrow i am going to make some apologies. i think it will be good for my soul.

for years and years, i've been so negative but i don't even know why anymore? i don't think i have it left in me. where as before in life, when something bad happens and i'd just accept it and continue on miserable, i think now for the first time in my life i'm going to try and work through everything.

i'm going to work hard and i swear if i don't make this the best year of my life, then i'm done.

the good: eating right, feeling great, working hard, looking good.

the bad: death in the family, still not feeling right, tired.


things are looking up, and i can't wait to overcome the past 12 months.

"i dabble in s&m type shit. it's hit or miss with most guys".

BEST THING I'VE HAD TEXTED TO ME IN YEARS

this year started off on a bad foot, but i feel good and i'm going to make sure that i don't fuck up 2011 from here on out.

i exist only as a sequence of numbers in a computer at various banks and financial institutions. other than that, i'm just a mass of blood, muscle, bones and garbage existing but not living. the harder i struggle to understand some sort of reasoning behind the world i live in the more clear it becomes that emotion isn't a factor in the bottom line of every day. you can just simply stop living and everything else continues. if you are hurt, everything else continues. nothing stops and nothing waits for you. to assume otherwise, or to expect help, or even worse, to ask for help, is weakness. it's foolish.

not a day goes by recently where i realize that i've had the wrong mindset for the past 26 years and the only way to exist in the next 26 is to show no mercy and no empathy for anyone or anything around me.

to try and play nice in this world is just that, it's play. i'm done playing.

starting tomorrow i'm never caring again.

there was nothing in al capone's vault...

...but it wasn't geraldo's fault.

i applied for a job selling honey. not only would i be selling honey, but i'd be getting paid 3 bucks more than i did at my last job. my life sucks.

new withdrawal 7" should be finished tomorrow, unless some unforseen circumstance rears it's head.

i'm about 85% satisfied with the songs we've recorded. they're the first songs written with brad and dan in the band, and they came out less proggy and weird than i had hoped. slayer riffs and nofx drumbeats. i think my favorite song we are doing now is "rotten hell" just cuz it is about as close to sounding like catharsis as we could possibly come. anyways, i just want to write a full length now and make it sound just disgusting and scary.

i haven't had hot water in my house for about a week now. this is unfortunately, very very low on my list of worries and priorities in life.

i wish my cat still lived here. but i guess my mom having her means that i have all the more reason to go over there, see the ma, eat dinner and do some laundry. highlight of my weeks really.

trying hard to stay ok. i actually have myself fooled into having some faith for once. but there is always that one chance.

even though nowadays robert smith looks like the stay puft marshmallow man on casual fridays, this song is still an absolute banger. or should i say, smanger.

wish it was 1999.

not doing so hot. i've been better. i'm just hoping to make it through the week. debating seeing a doctor.

if things don't really work out here, i'm not sure that i really want to be around winnipeg much longer i guess. there isn't really anything here for me other than a roof over my head (barely).

i sure love my cat though.

confusing days.

1st post

i don't know why i bothered making this shit. i guess that's what happens when you can't sleep and it's 4:38am.

my hot water tank blew up. i haven't taken a shower in 2 days now i guess. getting spicy smelling.

i can see myself wasting way too much time spouting shit on this. ugh.