i can't let go of the past.

Haven't updated in a while. Not much going on. I got 3 jobs and I'm always working. So that's pretty much ruined my already dormant social life.

My van is almost paid off, which will basically ensure that I am financially ballin once again. I don't plan on being in debt for anything much longer.

Booking a 21 day north american tour with withdrawal. Its gonna be awesome to see my friends in california once again and see the guys in creatures. Hardcore is awesome.

Been working on songs for an LP. We have about 6 of them written. With some fleshing out they will be awesome.

I'm bored of blabbing in here, suck it.

Spent the last week or so on a steady diet of late 90's to early 2000's hardcore / emo. Made me feel 19 again.

Listening to Giant's chair, further seems forever, Jimmy Eat world made me feel pretty heartwrenched for better times and better days.

Listening to deadyguy, converge, buried alive, 100 demons and shai hulud just made me want to burn everything I see and walk away.

Not much to report in the personal life. Got another 2nd job, doing tech support for netflix. Probably not gonna be the funnest job but whatever. Money is money and making 1500 every two weeks is gonna be no joke. Nothing really on the horizon in terms of ladyfriends or whatever, but I don't really mind.

This year has been awful and I don't know what I'm doing with myself anymore. I'm not me.

All I want to do is watch one person suffer and experience complete agony. I don't care about anything else right now, and watching this one person feel pain is the only thing that can set me free.

In just over 10 days I turn 27. Nothing really to show for it other than some stories and some scars.

Got laid off at stats canada. Just when I was getting ahead in life with working two jobs I loose my footing. Annoying. The old me would completely give up, but I won't allow myself to be weak and stagnant anymore.

Can we talk about "normal" people for a second? Its weird hanging out with them, or interacting with them. What a different lifestyle I lead, being what could be described as a "hardcore" kid.

It sucks though because I don't really feel any connection to "hardcore kids" anyways.

Anyways, I don't want to ramble about hardcore right now.

Probably going to make some dumb decisions soon.

Depressing is eating your lunch in your van on your way from one job to the other. Life.

So as quickly as I was excited to go to europe, poof, it's taken away! Its not really that big of a bummer. Basically the booking agent threw us off to make sure he makes more money in the end. Fucking lame.

But the fest I was looking forward to got cancelled and we weren't playing any of the days I wanted to play at any of the other fests so I'm not gonna lose any sleep over it.

With the extra money I'm saving by not going I'm gonna be in a pretty good financial spot for now. Trying to figure out the best course of action with that. Maybe take a vacation? Pay off my van? Go on a california tour? Who knows.

been a while.

working two jobs. 14 hours a day. from now until basically when i feel like stopping.

no real news on the girl front. i think i am finally over the post-breakup dumb behavior that started in january and made for an interesting february, an embarassing march, a standard april, a pretty well-done may and a deathknell in june. just not really feelin' doin' it, definitely not feeling dating. just gonna be myself and try and enjoy the finer more intelligent aspect in life, instead of chasing pussy down the mountain, so to speak.

i leave for europe for 3 weeks in a couple of weeks. i am mostly excited to see the art, and architechture and culture and all that. maybe the uk is the spiritual home i've always thought it was? either way, it should be very interesting, but i am worried about feeling alone and miserable like i did on our last tour... paying 1400 dollars to go across the globe and be miserable. christ.

Life is just kinda up and down lately. Frustrating.

I leave for tour next week, and I kind of don't want to go at all. But I feel as though I owe it to A389 to support the new 7" as much as we can. So out of respect for dom, and what amounts to be a twisted love/hate relationship with hardcore, on tour I go.

I can't handle seeing all my friends to the west and then disappearing for another year. Makes me feel so alone.

After that, we're going to europe, which I am fairly excited for, just very financially strained doing it. But once I get back from there I should be fine.

Had a good hangout and talk with a friend yesterday. Made me feel a bit better.

Anyways.

The curse of gemini lives.

I don't understand my life anymore and I don't know why I do the things I do and why I feel the way I feel all the time.

I can't believe how many friends I've lost, or never really had in the first place.

I don't understand how people act like they act.

I am very obviously depressed, but even then, I don't see this as some sort of "oh he just feels bad for no reason all the time" thing. Its just everything is bad all the time.

I can't stop thinking about just giving up, maybe killing myself. Ill be driving and my mind will wander and ill think about just cranking the wheel left and ending it all.

Who knows how ill feel tomorrow.

Entirely alone.

Feeling fairly lost as of late.

Dunno what I am doing?

I must ascend.

Same old same old.

Feeling better about myself than I have in ages.

Leaving for tour fairly soon I guess.

I would just like to say that integrity is the best hc band of all time.

Been having an amazing time lately. Been getting out there and living. Spring has thus far been awesome.

Thursday: laced up the boots. I feel pretty good about it.

Friday: got off work early, went out to stella's with jasdave then went to the albert and partied pretty hard. Began to lay the gravel down.

Saturday: went out for dinner with jasdave, amanda and braulio at spring roll. It was pretty good. Went to my moms for a bit. Picked up jasdave, braulio, amanda and talya and went to the legion to watch retards do karaoke. So bad. But funny. Dropped off everyone and went home. Set up the foundation.

Sunday: woke up way too early and watched justin cement his legacy. Went to my moms again and helped her get groceries / saw my cat. Came home and started watching the entire first season of the x-files.

Anyways, the gravel is down, the foundation is set. Now all I gotta do is CEMENT THE LEGACY.


CEMENT THE LEGACY.

P.S FUCK YOUR COMPLIMENTS, BITCH, I KNOW IM THE SHIT. FROM MY HAIR TO MY NAILS AND THE GAME I SPIT.

Had a really good weekend.

Friday: actually, I don't even remember what I did friday? I don't really think I did all that much. I was just pumped cuz it was pay day ha.

Saturday: was gonna go to the states for shopping but the trip fell apart. So I went out for brunch with ryley and jasdave. Went to stella's on osborne and had some pretty real eggs, bacon and pancakes. Pretty delicious. Other than that, just chilled. Went out for dinner with tessa at earls. It was pretty good. I had a steak which was decent and some garlic mashed potatoes, which were good. After that, she went to a movie with her friend and I went to visit my mom and cat. Went to go pick up tuggy and just watched justin play fight night all night long.

Sunday: went out for brunch, again, at stellas, again, this time with tessa. Had the mexican breakfast and it was soooo good. Went to baked expectations after and had to fight the urge to break edge on a cake ha ha. After that just came home and did some major spring cleaning, it went pretty good. House is looking really nice. I think tomorrow ill clean up my room a bit more.

All in all, I am feeling really good lately, but also really fidgetty. On one hand, I kinda want to be left alone but some people just keep peeking their heads into my life. On the other hand, I wanna get so many things off my back and off my chest that I dunno if thatd work out too well. All in all though, I am feeling great. I just don't really have any emotional attachment to anything lately.

Our new 7" is on its way to the pressing plants now. We'll have copies available for tour that's for sure. So I gotta work on an awesome tour version cover. Maybe also a release show cover.

We got confirmed for a couple of major festivals in europe. It was surprisingly easy to do really. Brad put it best when we were asked how we got on there: because we're fucking withdrawal.

This year, instead of spending my birthday in this rotten shithole of a city with fake people doing whatever, ill be in europe living my dream with my best friends.

Life is good.

Things are going good, for once. I'm happy, for once. So I'm going to Las Vegas next week. Things are weird, for once.

Today was pretty abysmal.

Listening to dead kennedys. Takes me back.

This weekend was just rediculous. I don't even want to get into details. Maybe I will tomorrow when I'm less tired.

I'm pretty good.

A sign that my life has a sick sense of humor: the day after I delete my ex-gf's phone number from my phone she texts me at 9am. Just.. No... Escape.

So silly. Talking with her nowadays is a chore. It sucks. I dunno how to adjust from WANTING to converse with her to loathing and dreading it. Its not that we're enemies or anything, and I don't hate her at all. Furthest from. But we're certainly not friends. Barely even associates. We're kinda doing the subtle rude comments thing here and there... I guess that's to be expected. But really I definitely just do not understand or know her anymore. So the other day, having thought about it, I just kinda figured "well, she's not my friend, and I'm not hers. No point in having her number looming around there. Over it." And deleted her number. Just kinda funny that less than 24 hours I get a text from her. So weird. Maybe ill put her in my phone under a super secret fake name in case my next gf looks through, nyuk nyuk nyuk.

Can't wait to splash the shit out of someone with my van this spring. I'm gonna try and head to toe someone for sure.

Went to dessert sinsastions the other day with tessa. It was pretty rad. The food there is way too fucking good. But also expensive. I was tempted to get a 30 dollar ribeye steak. Maybe next time.

Tessa is just ridiculous ha ha. A very odd and charming sense of humor. Its been pretty cool.

Man, I love Nitzer Ebb.

K, almost fell asleep while typing this out. Over and out.

Tard style.

So then.

Found my ringworm hoodie.

I guess things are back to normal in my life. Or rather things are settled. I'm pretty ok with that. Its nice to be able to be myself and not walk on eggshells around someone. Conversely, its nice to be around someone who is interesting because they're being themselves... Not a pale imitation, a forgery or a cheap copy of a cheap personality. That was cool at first, then got boring, and then got miserable. I guess its too early to really get a handle on what I'm doing right now, but its interesting to reassimilate into civilian society and normie shit instead of whatever it was before.

Having been chewed up, spit out and embarassed I guess I came out of the past year a little wiser, older and stronger. "Hearts not something you gain, you lose". So I'm a little bit better protected in the future. I know what mistakes I've made with girls, I know when I've fucked up friendships and I know when I've done what's right. So I guess its up to me to take everything from the past year, put it behind me, and forge on into the future. My future isn't exactly so bright that I need shades or anything but I must say that with a tight fade, new clothes and shades on I am devilishly handsome?

So all in all, fuck the past, it's time to fuck the future. The strong rule the weak, the clever rule the strong.

Anyways, works been boring lately ha ha. I think I might look for a second job so I can make some rap money before I go on tour / before I get back to school next year.

Ill be in europe playing with the cro-mags, harms way, foundation, xibalba, and more and more on my 27th birthday. Life is so fucking weird.

FINALLY, the masters for "faith, flesh & blood" are done. It's 3 songs and the more I listen to it the prouder I am about he record. It is a sign of great things to come. Tracklist:

1) Shapeshifter

This song is about the people you meet in life who are your friends when its convenient for them, but will be the first to stab you in the back when you drop your guard. It's really fast and has a great "transylvania" riff and a hard mosh part at the end. The lyrics are particularly scathing. I get to live out my inner at the gates fantasies with a solid "GO!". Or maybe it's changexup? This song went over great on tour.

2) Bloodlaw

This song is about humankind's insatiable thirst for profit at the cost of others. Working a job is slavery. Every second of every day your decisions ruin someone elses life, somehow, and someway. I say embrace the fact that you ascend while someone else descends. If you're going to fuck someone over, do it long and hard and let them know you're doing it. No mercy for your enemies. This song starts out with a real D-Beat style circle pit begining, and has more banana hardcore riffs in it than the other songs on the record.

3) Kingdom Come

The typical withdrawal slow and depressing song. Joel had the main riffs for this song written back in 2009 even. Song is about the past year of my life being horrible, the funny part is that it was written before the break up with "she who cannot be named" and my grandparents deaths. If we had recorded in march I'm sure it would have been even more tortured sounding. Joel says this song has the best vocals I've ever done. I'd be inclined to agree. Its by far the longest song we've ever written at a mammoth 6 minutes long.


Anyways, this is adam dyson signing out.

"Gross."

That's about how I would sum up everything I see in life lately.

Doing my thing. I'm not a shitty guy, I just live in a shitty world.

Oh well.

Nights like these I'm just glad I have real friends, like, REAL ones. Doing my best to cut out fairweather friends out of my life. I just have no time or patience for people who are gonna act like my friend when its convenient and then fuck me over when the time is right.

Had probably the best week of my life last week. Went to florida and hung out with a good friend.

Been feeling good lately, laughing non-stop both WITH and AT people. Hard to tell which I prefer.

Withdrawal played a show the other day at war on music aka the death trap, and it was awesome. Said some pretty funny shit between songs from what I remember ha ha. Set was great. Felt good.

Oh yeah, we signed to A389 records! That rules and we're gonna be putting out the new 7" this summer AND just in time for a europian tour, a complete discography up to this point called "completely miserable" featuring the demo, 7" and unreleased split and what have you.

Best compliments I've received recently: that I look like morrissey, that I am less fat with no clothes on than someone would assume. And also some other shit that I can't quite print on here ha ha.

Still not used to sleeping alone. Fuck.

Can't wait to get out of here for a week. Never been to florida, I'm pretty excited as the weather has quickly become abysmal again. Excited to spend it with an amazing chick. Feels weird even saying that, but its true.

I've had a good couple of days, in fact I've been smiling ear to ear for a lot of them.

Losing more weight. I can fit some of my old medium shirts. So sick.

We apparently can't say no to touring, and its with a really sick band I can't wait to announce it and the new record.

Waiting on the master for the new record. I like the songs we did but it's a chapter closing on my life to an extent. I can't spend my time trying to be sad anymore. All our new songs after this 7" will be seething with anger and bile. No more "woe is me, woe is us".

Can't stop watching the league.

Working 9-5 has turned me into a pussy who gets tired around 10pm. Fuck.

Been listening to so much vegan straight edge hardcore. Maybe a sign?

yup, that's the worst month i've ever had.

50/50 chance i kill myself this week, 50/50 chance i'm serious about that statement.

"cuz i'm fine, i can fuck baby, and i can fight.

thanks for nothing bitch, my formula is extraordinarily tight."

i need to be a strong person.

had a good, long talk yesterday. it wasn't exactly like, too productive but these kinda things do seem like they go easier as time goes on. cleared the air about some things. i don't think it got too heavy at points.

end of the day, there will be alot of smiths and depeche mode being listened to this valentines thats for sure.

listening to suga free.

had a pretty good time lately. just been keeping busy, working out, hanging with friends.

moshed hard last night for a cro-mags cover band, it was fun and it had been a while. i think i managed to bruise my belly button during their set ha ha. what a weird mosh related injury.

financially, after a year of uncertainty i'm caught up on bills. gonna buy some new clothes soon. pumped on that. maybe some new shoes. almost done paying off my van, which is AWESOME. that's an extra 300 bucks a month i can put towards new shit, maybe even moving into a new place? that depends on school though. also almost done paying off my best buy card, that's an extra 100 i can put towards whatever.

had a bunch of shit to say... won't bother saying it. it just sucks when someone you care about changes for the worse and embarrasses themselves. i guess i thought she was different, but she proved me wrong.

man, i am frigging tired today. got no sleep at all last night, 1 and a half hours to be exact.

all i want to do is work, work, work.

what's going on this weekend? hopefully something super silly.

valentines is coming up, fuckin' bogus. looks like i'm saving some $$$$$$ this year so hey i guess that's a bright side.

First time blabbering on this shit using my stupid fuckin blackberry.

Gongshow of a weekend, holy moly. I felt like dante being led through the different layers of hell.

I seem to be shifting my sleep patterns back to a semi-decent normal time. Unfortunately, I still can't sleep much more than an hour or two at a time before waking up and tossing and turning. So that is kinda bogus I suppose.

Listening to a lot of Rival Schools, can't wait for the new record. Wally's still got it.

Still trying to figure life out. I'm less day to day and more hour to hour, minute to minute, second to second. I'm sure I've made things tense around my house, and I did some amateur diy drywall remodeling that was dumb of me but hey, its been the first time in weeks that thinking about everything hasn't left me sad, but just angry or indifferent.

Glad I have friends like jasdave and tuggy around, I don't know hat I would do without those two being there for me to the bitter end.

I love my cat, its like she could tell I was sad and just hopped right on top of me at my lowest point the other day.

No real plans for this week other than buying a whole wackload of expensive shit ha ha. Baller.

THIS WEEKEND WAS

in a very somber mood, today has been really long.

my grandma died today. she was very old and she lived a long life. she was surrounded by her family. her last words were "can i go"? she survived longer than they expected, and she felt like she was being a burden to her family being alive. i didn't get a chance to say goodbye. i didn't know what to say.

went and saw still fighting / stillbirth / lsds at the albert. it was a great show and the best i've seen still fighting play. still though, i feel so weird lately that i kinda had to keep myself there just to prove to myself that i could.

i've burnt alot of bridges for dumb reasons the past year, i've made alot of mistakes. i don't know if i can live that way anymore. i think tomorrow i am going to make some apologies. i think it will be good for my soul.

for years and years, i've been so negative but i don't even know why anymore? i don't think i have it left in me. where as before in life, when something bad happens and i'd just accept it and continue on miserable, i think now for the first time in my life i'm going to try and work through everything.

i'm going to work hard and i swear if i don't make this the best year of my life, then i'm done.

the good: eating right, feeling great, working hard, looking good.

the bad: death in the family, still not feeling right, tired.


things are looking up, and i can't wait to overcome the past 12 months.

"i dabble in s&m type shit. it's hit or miss with most guys".

BEST THING I'VE HAD TEXTED TO ME IN YEARS

this year started off on a bad foot, but i feel good and i'm going to make sure that i don't fuck up 2011 from here on out.

i exist only as a sequence of numbers in a computer at various banks and financial institutions. other than that, i'm just a mass of blood, muscle, bones and garbage existing but not living. the harder i struggle to understand some sort of reasoning behind the world i live in the more clear it becomes that emotion isn't a factor in the bottom line of every day. you can just simply stop living and everything else continues. if you are hurt, everything else continues. nothing stops and nothing waits for you. to assume otherwise, or to expect help, or even worse, to ask for help, is weakness. it's foolish.

not a day goes by recently where i realize that i've had the wrong mindset for the past 26 years and the only way to exist in the next 26 is to show no mercy and no empathy for anyone or anything around me.

to try and play nice in this world is just that, it's play. i'm done playing.

starting tomorrow i'm never caring again.

there was nothing in al capone's vault...

...but it wasn't geraldo's fault.

i applied for a job selling honey. not only would i be selling honey, but i'd be getting paid 3 bucks more than i did at my last job. my life sucks.

new withdrawal 7" should be finished tomorrow, unless some unforseen circumstance rears it's head.

i'm about 85% satisfied with the songs we've recorded. they're the first songs written with brad and dan in the band, and they came out less proggy and weird than i had hoped. slayer riffs and nofx drumbeats. i think my favorite song we are doing now is "rotten hell" just cuz it is about as close to sounding like catharsis as we could possibly come. anyways, i just want to write a full length now and make it sound just disgusting and scary.

i haven't had hot water in my house for about a week now. this is unfortunately, very very low on my list of worries and priorities in life.

i wish my cat still lived here. but i guess my mom having her means that i have all the more reason to go over there, see the ma, eat dinner and do some laundry. highlight of my weeks really.

trying hard to stay ok. i actually have myself fooled into having some faith for once. but there is always that one chance.

even though nowadays robert smith looks like the stay puft marshmallow man on casual fridays, this song is still an absolute banger. or should i say, smanger.

wish it was 1999.

not doing so hot. i've been better. i'm just hoping to make it through the week. debating seeing a doctor.

if things don't really work out here, i'm not sure that i really want to be around winnipeg much longer i guess. there isn't really anything here for me other than a roof over my head (barely).

i sure love my cat though.

confusing days.

1st post

i don't know why i bothered making this shit. i guess that's what happens when you can't sleep and it's 4:38am.

my hot water tank blew up. i haven't taken a shower in 2 days now i guess. getting spicy smelling.

i can see myself wasting way too much time spouting shit on this. ugh.